Im at strip club and am horny
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
