I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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