I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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