I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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