What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
