I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
