Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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