Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
