I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
