he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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