You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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