Grow some girl-balls and come out already
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
