a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
