I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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