John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
