My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
i already hear my dad disowning me
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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