I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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