Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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