two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
