i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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