I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
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