Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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