I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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