on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
