Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
