My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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