And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
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