If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I deserve this hangover.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
