I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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