my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Randomize
