my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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