She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
did i walk over a car last night?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
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