make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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