News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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