I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
