Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
