More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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