just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
