listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
