Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
