Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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