I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
