You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
