I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Randomize
