He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
