The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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