i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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