i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
