seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
