new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
50% drunk capacity currently
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
